=/ le sigh

i have this thing where i simply dont like to talk. i know that sounds bizarre. i have just mastered the art of talking without revealing … much. i should say.

i mean i do, every once in a while. partly because i dont like to burden people whatsoever with whats going on, partly cause i like to keep to myself and partly cause i just dont like to reveal that much. i prefer to maintain face.

and also cause its a shit storm of emotions (which is why i dont like it). ive been told time and time again that i come off as heart less or cold blooded et cetera …

good  † if that were only the case.

im human, thank you captain obvious. i just dont like opening up. ive had quite a colorful past and as we are all products of our past, i try my hardest to play it cool and keep it all to myself. ive spent the last several years trying very hard to paint a face, in hopes that one day ill believe the stone one i put on. i am actually sensitive, i suppose im a bit broken – which i have always said is better than being untouched but its what i am. but from that i come to situations with a certain listening and i jump to old conclusions which more often than not are wrong. and that maybe things wont get to me the way they do and i wont be my own worst enemy.

sometimes i think im asking for a death sentence in my own head.

i wish i was as happy as i look all the time, i wish that my past didnt make me so damn unsure and walk on eggshells around myself and didnt have me feeling like i maybe i shouldnt be taking a risk. thanks peter pan syndrome. do not get me wrong, by no means is this a whoa is me type of thing, its just literally

no bars

no hype

no gloss

no bullshit

verbatim what is going on in my mind.

this is all too vulnerable for me which is why this will be deleted eventually.

im doing this cause well talking does help and the few people i talk to are either 300+ or several thousands of miles away. and i just need and to vent and dont like dumping on others, so i dump on the cold cold cold world wide web.

i have a million feelings i am going through, which is ENTIRELY NATURAL, for everyone. and definitely natural for what i am taking on. but well if you know me, its no mystery that i am not normal. i think i have just suppressed feelings for a while and have avoided doing huge things with myself cause despite being scared of failure and rejection, i simply was not ready. emotionally and certainly not mentally.  so im really not used to all the extremities of these feelings at once.

anyhow, I told a friend about 4.5 months ago:

“i am sick of the person i see myself becoming, im saying fuck it all. i am changing where i go, who i associate with, what i do, and figuring out what it is i need to do to have the life that i want; and what i need to do in order to become the person i know i need to be. and stop holding back.”

yes to most thats kind of a well duh typea thing. but yea.

in little over a month, i am embarking on starting my life. ya after 21+ years i am finally going to start living.

i was forced to grow up at a really really young age for things that i do not talk about whatsoever, would i trade that? absofuckingloutely not. but those circumstances made me on one hand a tyrant, rigid control freak obsessing over structure and avoiding change like the plague  and on the other hand, i do what i want, when i want, how i want and make zero apologies for that. and dont think twice about it. quite a juxtaposition of spectrums, this i know, try living it for the last 10+ years.

its fucking exhausting.

i have never been a fan of where we moved to in northern california from australia, but well that choice was not mine to make at the time. i have had countless attempts at moving down south but have talked myself out of it for whatever reason. ive never been a person who believes that things happen for a reason but i can see now that i am actually glad that i didnt.

so, this brings me to: new york, oh lovely lovely u nork. (watch this if you dont know u nork ya fuck)  has always been in my 5 year plan or whatever but well somethings fell into my lap, there are some risks i want to take, a business/creative space  i want to bring into fruition, a path i want to explore and a road i want to build (insert unhetero comment here) and i felt compelled.  inspired. just sort of like you know what? im ready to take the biggest leap ive ever taken and move. i have nothing here, i have no idea how i am going to make it work, literally. but people have done crazier things. my family has zero attachment here, i do not want to build my career here and all my others have moved. so ya i still ask why am i still here? i guess i got sick of asking and sick of not doing anything about it. and i am doing it all so out of the norm of myself. i have nothing solid set in stone in regards to anything but im doing it. im just going to make it work and be able to tell my kids a good story.

i am forever grateful for a certain someone coming into my life (at the most unexpected time and way) that opened my eyes. made me believe in myself and that the things i want to create for myself i can completely do, if anything he has made my dreams get different dimensions. since this person give me the nudge i needed, my vision of what i want to create has become so much bigger and i would like to see where that road takes me. so i leave you northern california on december 27. and i couldnt be more scared, happy, ready, nervous, amplified — and both unsure, yet, so sure in my entire life.

i have to own it, i really am scared. i dont really know know know anyone out there. ya i have a few people i know but no core, but honestly, im ok with that.

trust me, more than anything, i would love to say i am so sure where one road is going to take me. but, there are two paths on this particular road and i can only speak for one of them. this road thus far has been crazy weird … utterly amazing to say the least, like didnt think it was possible–awesome. so out of what i would normally do, but its brought a sense of self and confidence and happiness that i did not bet on what so ever. its like it gave me the jolt i needed. on this road, ive been much more raw, started out with no wall up, which i did not think was possible, but i felt comfortable enough to do so. i have chosen all along to be 100% honest and vocal regarding my intentions, so the course i guess is not up to me. look at that people. i, remy lane moore, gave up control. i guess i just knew it was the right time and the only person id be willing enough to be that vulnerable and open with. weird, ya going though a lot of intense struggle with that, but i am learning a new role . a role that i have never taken on cause there hasnt been someone who evoked a certain maturity and willingness inside of me. if there is one thing i know about myself its that, for such a small body, i am a big person. i am my fathers daughter after all and it has been drilled into us to think big. so i would love if this path worked cause this is the only person that gets how big it can all be and i am pulling for it but i truly do not know. one can only hope.

let me share with you a little blurp on my father and how his experience has shaped how we think. he didn’t graduate from high school, has no diploma and no formal training. but i challenge you to find someone more dynamic and as smart as he is. in australia he was a very very successful restauranteur. he owned and was the head chef of the #1 restaurant in melbourne and had no previous knowledge of the industry.  but one day realized the long hours, and virtually no time with his young family, that he wasnt happy. so my parents decided to move to america. we sold everything, came over here with $3,000 dollars, 5 suitcases, a very very very short visa and  knew no one and look at where he is now. created an international musical education program.

straight up  that takes a certain type of person and most definitely a certain type of partner to support that. i have to give my mother an undying amount of props, my parents have known eachother since they were 12 and have been married for 28 years. having them as parents and role models, i get that whatever powers there be, i have been blessed beyond reason — as you can see they havent lived a “normal” life thus far so i should not expect to have the same.

anyways enough about how awesome the moore’s are ——– all in all im a girl. i need reassurance, a hand to hold, id love just something telling me ill be ok. cause right now i feel like im the only one excited for it and that unbeknownst to me, your excitement has subsided. which scares me. that this move isnt as big in real life as im making it out to be in my head. that im gonna kick ass and take names. and that hopefully youll be on this ride with me. as i said before there are two paths on this road and i can only speak for my own; and being a product of my past, im going to be more frank than i ever have before; i have never been enough. ive been walked on more than i care to let on. so my head only goes to one place when i dont really know where things stand or if theres a change in the usual flow. its unfortunate and i wish is was not so, but the brain is merely a wad of reactions by triggers of our past.

though i am one who does not let people in all that easy, when i do, i (un)fortunately wear my heart on my sleeve. im an extremely passionate person. so IF i fall, i fall hard. IF i love, i love fully (that words a new thing) and more importantly when i love its fully supportively and without question or hesitation. but when i hate oh thats all bad.

i dont even really know where i am going with this. or where to go for that matter.

i really feel like this right now:

if you chose to read this, i thank you for letting me textually vomit on your computer/phone screens. now erase this out of your mind cause this is all too raw for it to stay out in the open for too long.

reading this … this was the most incoherent rambling ever. but it needed to be said for piece of mind.

~ by remymoore on November 18, 2009.